You’re Just Jealous/a Hater

I’m so sick of people telling me I’m jealous whenever I disagree with something they’re doing. And not just toward me, the “you’re jealous” retort seems to be the go-to for people who have nothing wittier to say. Today, I was browsing Pinterest (naturally) and I came across a pictures that I don’t want to repost, of a young girl in verrrrrrrrrry short shorts (one pinner referred to them as cooter cutter, HA!) standing in some sort of public square. What I gathered from the comments was that this girl may be a French model and MAY have even done some topless adverts. Gross. Now, my gut reaction was, “Holy shit, put some shorts on that girl immediately” and I was not alone. Several people expressed their concern that this child was dressing inappropriately and showing far too much leg. No joke, others responded with comments like “Oh, you’re just jealous because you didn’t look like that when you were young,” and “Stop being a hater.”

When did we get to a point where looking out for a child’s safety is a sign of our deeply-hidden jealousy of pre-pubescent knock knees? To even make that kind of statement is sick! I will concede that I may be a little over-sensitive when it comes to child nakedness and there may have been instances of flagging Facebook pictures of people giving their infants a bath, but I stand by this. There are sick fucks out there who would love nothing more than to see your kid’s wiena. This does NOT mean I am jealous of you or your child and I am most definitely not a hater. I probably care about you and your child and it makes me ill that someone could be thinking of your babe in a lecherous manner.

But, this ‘tude is not just with babies. Heaven forbid you advise your friend that maybe she shouldn’t be blowing all her money on expensive shoes when she cannot afford the rent and don’t even think about telling your buddy that the whore he’s sleeping with may also be boinking his cousin. No way Jose, what you’re saying cannot possibly be true. You’re just jealous.

As someone who isn’t afraid of telling you my honest opinion, I have learned that most of the time people don’t really want to know what you think, they just want you to agree with them. So many people are afraid of hearing a reasonable suggestion, that they convince themselves that everyone in the world is jealous of them, hates them only because they want to be them. Every.Single.Person.

Whenever a skinny girl tells me she’s fat, I agree with her and advise her to invest i muumuus and leggings. Few things bug me more than someone who is fishing for compliments. I have decided to adopt that same way of reacting when someone tells me I’m a jealous hater – I’m just going to agree. Yes, I am jealous of your job where you get free car washes, but earn minimum wage with no benefits. Yes, I’m totally jealous of your ability to be a stay-at-home mom, even though it’s not your choice and your jerk of a husband won’t let you work. And, oh lord how I wish I could have your flat abs, even though it means never eating a full meal and working out in sweatpants for five hours a day.

God my life sucks, I wish I was you.

 

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3 thoughts on “You’re Just Jealous/a Hater

  1. Nick says:

    I love this! I miss writing ranty goodness like this, and thoroughly enjoy living vicariously through your words.

  2. elisabeth says:

    Absolute-freaking-lutely! Why does someone have to be jealous because they disagree? I believe I will also start agreeing with them when the “you’re jealous” card is played. It could be fun.
    I also agree about certain photos of kids being published online. Some things are better kept in an actual family album that sits on a book shelf, not on a virtual album for the public to see.

  3. elisabeth says:

    Abso-freaking-lutely! Why does someone have to be jealous because they disagree? I believe I will also start agreeing with them when the “you’re jealous” card is played. It could be fun.
    I also agree about certain photos of kids being published online. Some things are better kept in an actual family album that sits on a book shelf, not on a virtual album for the public to see.

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