The Dead Can’t See Your Decals

Ahhhhhhhhh the window decal. There are few things more annoying than the things people find important enough to stick on their car. A stroll around my workplace parking lots shows that people have no shame.

Look, it’s clever for you to remind me that “Illegal Means Illegal.” Huh, never thought about that.

And your complete disregard for your child’s safety is admirable when you post his/her name on the back of your car. Why don’t you just put a giant target on your kid’s back, you know, so the molesters don’t have to work as hard to gain little Crystal’s trust.

But, far and away, the worst decal is the “In Loving Memory” one that gets slapped onto the back window. Really? REALLY?! What is the point of these? You know what you’re telling people? You’re telling them that you loved this person just enough to purchase and apply a $5 temporary sticker. How lovely. Sack up Sally and get a tattoo! There are three reactions you’re going to get from people when it comes to these stickers. Let’s break it down and YOU tell me which one you were hoping for.

The Old Person

Your grandpa died and you were really close to him, so you think the world should know. You head to the swapmeet, plop down a fiver and the toothless sticker guy carves you up the temporary memorial – Frank Smith 1910 – 2011. You slap it on your Corolla and feel like a great granddaughter. Well, THAT doesn’t make you a great granddaughter. And, you know what everyone else is thinking, “eh, he was old, it was his time to go.” Yeah, how shitty does your gramps feel now? And, even if he wasn’t 101 years old, anyone older than, say, 60 years is going to get the same response. You know your aunt didn’t have enough time on the earth before the gator snatched her up, but everyone else is thinking, “move on!”

The Wittle Person

First off, fuck you for doing this! The production of these stickers should be a federal crime. Listen, I cannot even imagine what it’s like to lose a baby/child, but I do know that they don’t deserve to get trivialized by a sticker on the back of your minivan! It’s just not worthy of whatever happened to the wittle person. Plus, everyone who drives by you gets a little sadder because of you. I am sure that you want people to celebrate the life of your little one, but people are going home and crying thinking about some kid they never knew. Stop it! Just stop it.

The In-Betweener

Alright, this is where it gets dicey. I’ll be straight up with you. Anyone who is memorialized on the back of a car that is between the ages of 15 and 35, I think “gang shooting.” Okay, sometimes I think “drug deal gone bad,” but you get my drift. I can’t even say that odds are I’m wrong, because I really think it’s an accurate assumption and if people had the backbone, I bet most would admit the same.

Listen, people love to have explanations for things that are sad or fucked up and odds are it’s not going to be favorable to your deceased loved one. Find some other way to remember them, one that doesn’t involve cheap vinyl adhesive.

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