Since all of my friends have started to get knocked up, a strange thing has started happening to me, I am starting to think about death! Weird, right? I mean, here I am surrounded by new life and I think about how many years I have left until I die. My great grandma, who just happens to be one of the feistiest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, told my mom that 75 is a good age to die. She lived far past that, she would know. So, I figure I have about 45 years left on the ole ticker. Time for a good, old fashioned bucket list!
- Punch someone in the face. Yes, it’s first on my list. Maybe it’s my rage that boils whenever community college students cyber-bully me, but I have been thinking of this a lot lately. Ideally, I would like to get into a fight to accomplish this goal, but if arrangements have to be made via Craigslist, so be it. I just want to feel someone’s cheekbone on my man-knuckles. I know, I am sick.
- Get punched in the face. I’m fair.
- Go to rehab. It sounds awesome. Think of the people-watching for goodness sake! Plus, I don’t have to make any of my own decisions, which is ideal, I get to enjoy a lot of quiet time alone, and I can blame all my problems on my parents when I am venting to my therapist. My whole goal in life is to blame things on my parents.
- Throw a glass of red wine in someone’s face…in public. I wish people who pissed me off would be more considerate and do it when I have a big glass of Cabernet in my hand. I have always gotten dumped in private, too, so there was never a reason to waste good wine or stain the carpet. Ideally, this would be a stranger who just pissed me off at a bar. This might also lead to accomplishing goals one and two.
- Apologize to Andrew Martin. Poor Andrew was the first and only guy I ever kicked in the wiener. It happened in junior high and I still feel awful about it. The reality is, I just had a massive crush on him and didn’t know how to flirt (some things never change). So, Andrew, if you’re out there, I hope you can forgive me.
- Have eye sex with a guy in a band. Oh, wait, that already happened. Thanks, Sam Endicott.
- Travel to every continent. Yes, even Antarctica, I can’t wait to club a baby seal and harpoon a whale. Maybe the Whale Wars guy will shoot at me. Ohhhhhhhhh maaaaaaan.
- Get shot at by the Whale Wars guy. I’m a multi-tasker.
- Experience my kid telling me that they hate me. I’ve never seriously said that to my mom. In fact, we weren’t allowed to say hate, shut up, or stupid. Now my mom and I tell each other to “Shut up I hate you, you stupid loser,” pretty much every time we talk to each other. But, I digress. I always wonder how I would react to my kid telling me they hate me. Heck, if momma has a glass of Two Buck Chuck in her hand, the kiddo may get a face full of grape!
- Work at a vintage shop buying clothes. I think this is my plan on how to spend my retirement. Odds are I won’t want to spend every waking moment with my significant other. I am already planning my escape.