It’s been 34 days since I said goodbye to my best friend. Actually, it’s been 34 days since I gave the vet the order to end my best friend’s life. It’s something I still feel guilty about, I don’t know that I will ever stop feeling guilty. My brain knows that it was the cancer that really killed her but my heart continues to consider “what ifs” and “should haves.”
Indy and I went through a lot during our six years together – six moves, a horrible break-up, tears, parties, making new friends, losing old friends, dog roommates, meeting my now husband – and throughout it all, she was one of my few constants. She never complained when I left her home alone a little longer than normal because I wanted to go out after work and she quickly got over it when Shaggy put the kibosh on her sleeping in our bed.
It’s been 34 days since I said goodbye to Indy and in two days I will say hello to a new dog.
Some might think this is too soon to get a new dog, they might be right. I have no way of knowing if this is the right time but I do know that new dog is the right dog. Just like when we adopted Indy, I swear I was just looking! I had no intention of falling in love with Indy or new dog but it happened and it happened quickly.
After Indy passed, I thought that I
wanted NEEDED a dog immediately and I had convinced myself that getting a new dog right away (I’m talking days) wasn’t a rebound move. I showed Shaggy a dog that I neeeeeeeeeded and he looked me in the eyes and said, “Amy, that dog is Indy with black fur;” Shaggy was right, I was looking at my rebound dog.
That’s when I started thinking about how Indy would feel about me trying to replace her with a lookalike so soon after she died and I felt like a bitch. She deserved more than a week’s grief. So I cried again. And I cried some more. Then, one day I was done crying; I could think about Indy and smile. I could joke about what a jerk she was to other dogs or how high maintenance she was when it came to her beds and blankets. My heart will always have a little Indy-shaped scar on it, but I felt like it was whole again.
I decided I would go to a local Pet Expo in April and was planning on bringing a dog home from one of the dozens of rescues who would be attending. But first, I wanted to do some research on those rescues and then it happened – I saw new dog’s picture. A few days ago I met and fell in love with new dog and in two days I will bring new dog home. Our experiences won’t be the same as mine and Indy’s experiences but I have no doubt I will love her just as much.
New dog is new, she won’t be better than Indy but I don’t think she will be worse, either. I am going into this with no expectations on new dog, the only expectations are on me – I expect to give this rescued dog a loving, safe home and a happy life for the rest of her days.
I think Indy would like that.